skirmishes against the author

Fic: Five things that never happened to the bass player – Remus/Sirius

Title: Five things that never happened to the bass player
Author: marginalia
Fandom/Characters: Harry Potter, Remus/Sirius
Notes: Marauder Rhombus, AU of the AU.

i.
in the cathedrals of new york and rome
there is a feeling you should just go home
and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is.

They’ve arrived in town earlier than expected, and the buildings cast shadows all around them. James and Peter cast longing eyes in the direction of the motel and a nap, but Sirius’s leg has been jumping for the last hour, so Remus takes pity on him and suggests the two of them take a walk.

There’s not much town to walk through, and perhaps inevitably they wind up at the cemetery. They make jokes about death and romance, and then about nothing at all. “We could go in for a minute.” Remus hesitates. “Only if you like, of course.”

A side door is unlocked and they slide into a back pew. The air is thick with incense and confession. “I broke it off with Patrick,” Remus says softly, apropos of nothing. He is looking straight ahead. “Before the tour started. Because it wasn’t right with him. Because it wasn’t fair to make him wait.” Because he wasn’t you. Sirius doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look at him, just nods once. “I just thought you should know,” Remus says, leaves everything else hanging in the air.

Almost without realizing it, they each reach across the smooth wood and lace their fingers together. The oil angels and glass saints look down on them. For now, for here, it is enough.

ii.
james!
c’mon hold your horses
the first kid under your nose ain’t a sure thing

Okay, so, fine. James had taken Sirius for granted. He supposed. Either that or he had been watching too many made for tv movies. Or both, if he was even using the term “taken for granted” in the first place.

What was astonishing was how long it took him to notice. He should have seen it right from the beginning, how Sirius fucking glowed after he went to the hotel lounge on Peter’s suggestion. No new band members could be all that exciting, James was certain.

James had also been certain that Sirius would always just be around, the constant in his life. Best mates through everything, through all the crap life had thrown at them so far, through the death of his parents and of Regulus and whatever the kiss after that funeral had meant.

All James knows now is that he should have figured it out before he signed on for the tour, before Sirius realized that Remus was looking back, before they started skimping on meals so they could afford the occasional separate motel room. Before James learned just how thin those motel walls could be. Sirius is one wall away, and James pours himself another drink and ignores Peter’s concern.

iii.
maybe one day soon
it’ll all come out
how you dream about each other sometimes

When Remus was little, a neighbor girl came over to watch him while his parents were out, and they’d watch movies. They were the sort of movies Remus would never watch on his own, never think to, never dare to. Total girl movies, featuring a couple who is clearly meant to be together from the beginning, but they’re both to silly to realize it.

Most of the time Remus thinks those sorts of stories are a load of rot, but sometimes when he’s overtired he wonders if there’s something to it, if there’s a master plan, a director of his life. If Sirius really has been cast opposite him, if they’ve wanted each other all along, if everything they’ve said and done all along has been full of weight and meaning, and if they’ll kiss before the end credits.

And then he tells himself to stop being such a girl as time and Sirius fall like rain through his hands.

iv.
you hypnotized me through your skin
it’s where i wanna begin
you think like i do and that scares me

They came together like fireworks exploding in summer, shimmering light and smoke on the air. Peter either didn’t notice or didn’t care, and James drank until he couldn’t notice much of anything.

Remus didn’t need alcohol, though; he was drunk on the taste of Sirius’s skin. The songwriter in him thought he should come up with something more original, but the rest of him suspected that originality was overrated. And then Sirius’s fingers were digging into him and Sirius’s mouth was on his cock and Remus couldn’t think about much of anything.

They thought they had invented everything, that they way they touched was something new and beautiful, that they needed to try it all, show it all until they were drained and raw. Tension flowed from them, built up for ages, leaving them loose and lazy.

James pounded on the door, but they ignored him, lit cigarettes, and fell apart together.

v.
tell me will you make me sad or happy
and will you settle for love
will you settle for love

James hadn’t wanted it to get out, but it had, as those things do. It had likely gotten out before it even happened, it was so inevitable. Peter said he didn’t care as long as they were happy, and as it turned out, there was a certain segment of the female population that tended to appreciate certain propensities in musicians.

It was big at first, because it had to be. But now they are quieter. Remus still reads paperbacks in bed and gets up early to buy breakfast. Sirius still sleeps on the floor sometimes, and Remus throws a pillow at him so he doesn’t fuck up his neck. They think of a version of themselves where they self-destruct, and they are content with this strange domesticity.

Sometimes the girls hold up signs asking them to kiss, and Remus wishes he’d kept Dana’s number, just so he could leave her a message that says, “Thanks. It turned out okay after all.”

:: soundtrack

“cathedrals” –jump, little children
“james!” –erin mckeown
“troubled times” –fountains of wayne
“fall apart with me” –the posies
“want” –rufus wainwright